The McGrath Minute

I recently retired from the military after 21 years in service. I have experienced a lot of firsts in my post military life and career. My first Christmas, my first Veterans Day, etc.

I quickly learned with my transition from the military to a civilian lifestyle that I need to maintain a routine and I cannot skip physical activity.

I decided that I would go cross country skiing one day after I dropped my kids off at school. I brought all my gear and as I was driving I decided I would get a coffee. This is risky business for me. My wife and I used to watch the tv show, “The Ranch”. One of the characters made a comment that, “the train was rolling” after he drank some coffee, meaning that he would have to defecate. And I would definitely quickly learned that the train in fact was rolling for me and I needed to use the bathroom, immediately.

I know that they usually have a porta-potty toilet at the parking lot of one of the local cross country skiing trails that I go to. I live in Alaska and the temperature was in the low teens. So I decided that I would use the toilet at the parking lot and I wouldn’t have to go home.

I walked into the porta-potty and decided to use my phone’s flash light to recon the toilet seat. To no surprise, I observed waste shotgun blasted all over the toilet seat. Not a big deal to me because I have experience in Iraq, Afghanistan, or the field. I will just hover.

Where I lack experience, is, trying to hover over a toilet with a frozen floor in cross country ski boots. Needless to say as soon as I get my pants to my ankles, I instantly slipped on the ice. The first thought in my mind is that I do not want to land in the frozen human waste sprayed all over the seat. So I slide and hit my head and shoulders against the back of the porta-potty. I had to maintain a plank position in order to not land in someone else’s nastiness. I’m good. Nope, I’m not.

The split second of slipping and taking all my weight against my the toilet door caused it to burst open. I thought that I had knocked the doors off the hinges! I stumbled out of the portable toilet with my pants down to my ankles. I couldn’t leave that parking lot fast enough. If you were in the parking lot and observed this I am sorry!!